Insecure about your partner's friend?My friend Irra from school called last evening; she was in tears, her very loving husband of the past one year has asked her to give up her childhood friend of the last 20 years. Why you ask? Her friend is a guy and her husband is just not comfortable with the rapport the both of them share.
Needless to say, I was outraged and thought of many improper things to say to her husband. That would have just added fuel to the fire, so I spoke to her for a little while and told her that I am sure she can explain and allay his insecurity. She told me she had tried explaining to her husband that had she actually been in love with her friend she would have married him instead. That discussion obviously did not go down well.
To get a different perspective on the issue I asked another friend of mine who is a modern-day Gandhari when it comes to making sacrifices in relationships. Her take was very different from mine, according to her, compromises were integral in every marriage and if your spouse is uncomfortable with a particular friend, what's the big deal about giving them up?
Here were too very opposite ways of dealing with modern-day relationship complexities, so I decided to call my friend who is a counselor to get her view on the issue. According to her, while every couple decides on their own set of relationship priorities, there is a fundamental flaw in what my friend had been asked to do. The thing about insecurity is that it stems because of the lack of trust between two people and not because of the presence of a third person. She may agree to give up her guy friend today but insecurity is sure to manifest itself in some other form.
Signs of insecurity are easy to spot, Shahana Nair Joshi says in her article on PDA (Public Display of Affection), "The inappropriate display of affection to the point of public embarrassment and awkwardness stems from nothing but an innate insecurity about your partner and what you share."
We know the serial offenders, we also know people who are never known to very demonstrative about their affections and yet, in the presence of a friend from the opposite sex they indulge in PDA. It's like an affirmation for them, that you might be my significant other's best friend but only I have the societal license to be physically close to my partner.
Relationship gurus are of the belief that insecurity breeds insecurity unless trust is established between the couple. Experts also say that every relationship is unique in its own way and if you find yourself constantly comparing your relationship with that of others, you are actually insecure about yourself or the equation you share with your partner.
Every relationship needs breathing space; as much as you need 'we time' in a relationship, it is equally important to factor in 'me time'. Some couples revel in the fact that they like doing everything together. Yes, it's important to do things together but we are individuals and we all need space to do our own thing every once in a while. Even Siamese twins need 'me time'!
Secure relationships are not about sacrifices but about being able to communicate to your partner the importance of people and relationships in your life. It's about creating a union where individuals have the space to be themselves and make relationship choices based on what they want and not only the ones that are dictated/approved by their spouse.
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