Siblings: That special bond

One thing I really value and admire in my children is the beautiful relationship they share with each other. Even the four-year age gap doesn’t come in their way. They can spend hours chatting, playing, laughingand conspiring with each other. They have their share of spats but these are infrequent and quickly resolved.

In my practice, I see many families struggling with sibling issues. Constant bickering, fighting, rageeven violence between the children creates a negative atmosphere in such homes.

Siblings or Friends

I have always wondered about what makes sibling relationships tick. Recently, my attention was drawn to a study by Dr Arthur Kramer, professor of psychology, University of Illinois, who has been studying sibling relationships for almost two decades. Kramer says that the predictive factor for good sibling relationships (irrespective of gender) is the quality of friendship the older child has with his/her best friend. This goes against the general perception that children learn social skills from their siblings before trying it out with their friends. This research indicates that the older child who is successful in building a mutually reciprocal relationship with his/her friend, then tries out similar skills with his/Help your kids forge a healthy relationship so they find life-long friends in each other her siblings.

This made complete sense as I recalled all the successful sibling relationships I know of. Another research indicates that kids make seven times as many negative statements to their siblings as their friends. The reason is obvious: the cost of losing a friend is high. But siblings, well, they are here to stay. It goes without saying that when siblings see each other as friends, they will do whatever it takes to protect this valuable relationship. This obviously has some implications on the way we parent our children. Here is what you can do. Nurture shared interests. Whether its reading Harry Potter, watching Star Wars or feeding stray puppies in the neighbourhoodlook for and encourage shared passions. This can be their mediuma common languageto connect with each other.

Be mindful of your role. Resist the urge to pit your kids against each other (Lets see who finishes their glass of milk first), draw comparisons (Why cant you listen to me like your brother does), form triangles (If your brother fights with you, you can come and play with me) and play the spy (Call me if your sister is watching TV and not studying). Discipline them. Have a little chat with them to explain that fighting and being rude to each other is not cool. Praise them each time they are able to fight the urge to retaliate. Help build a sense of solidarity. It may be annoying to see the children gang up against you exchange knowing glances and quick smiles when you are trying to have a firm talk, but don’t  put a break on it. Understand that they probably share much more with each other than with you and thats a good thing. After all, their relationship with each other will last long after youre out of the picture.

Reproduced From Prevention. © 2012. LMIL. All rights reserved.